Mustang Blocked
by Pure Shikon
Summary: Jean can't seem to keep a woman without Mustang getting in the way. Even as a war hero, with Roy committed to Hawkeye, the Furher still worms into each of Jeans dates, so he decides to get drastic.


**This is not actually by me, but a friend who gave me permission to upload it. Just a funny one-shot inspired by conversations over Jean's luck with women.**

**Mustang Blocked**

**By:** goldenEY3

* * *

"A military man? I thought all military men were big, burly, beer swilling, misogynistic, cold-hearted bastards," Mary said. "Are you really in the military? You can't be! You're too kind hearted and laid back!"

"Well, I do try to shirk as much of my duty as I can," Jean smirked, causing Mary to giggle.

_Oh man, this is going great!_ Jean thought. _I get out of the military, and what happens? I find this terribly cute woman and talk her into getting a drink with me! She's gorgeous! Blue eyes, brown hair, cute as a button, and pretty bosomy, too!_

"Not to say I didn't do my duty. I did play a pretty big role in taking the capitol," he casually added, taking a sip of his iced tea.

"You were in the battle for the capitol?" Mary gasped. "No way!"

"Way," Jean said. _I've got her now!_ "I helped our forces breach the wall of the capitol. Without my platoon's help, we would've never saved the country."

"You're a hero too? Why didn't you tell me that!" Mary said, leaning over the table.

_Not the most bosomy woman, but I'll take it._

"'Hero?' I'm not a hero. I was just doing my duty. Anyone else would've done it," Jean said.

_That's it, Jean. Just act like it's no big deal. Chicks dig that sort of calm self-assurance._

"You are too a hero! Facing the usurping army, going against deadly odds, that's the stuff a hero is made out of!" Mary insisted.

"There were a lot of them," Jean admitted. "But we had plenty of good men…"

"…And a few alchemists on our side," Roy Mustang said, clapping Jean on the back. "Jean! My good man! How's it going?"

"Roy?" Jean sputtered.

"Was passing by and saw you here with this beautiful woman. Had to drop in on you," Roy smirked. He turned to Mary. "How do you do. I'm General Roy Mustang, also known as the Flame Alchemist."

He took Mary's delicate hand and kissed it.

"The Flame Alchemist?" Mary said, blushing and gasping at the same time. "Aren't you supposed to be taking over as the new Fuhrer soon?"

"The official ceremony is so far away," Roy said, "and besides, I have to visit the gorgeous population that I will soon be ruling over. Have to make sure they're comfortable and happy with their new Fuhrer."

"Oh!" Mary said. Jean could hear her swoon at being called 'beautiful' and 'gorgeous' in the same minute.

_Dammit! I have to do something!_

"Well, Mustang, why don't you pull up a chair and join us?" He asked, trying to keep his cool. "We're just having drinks ourselves."

"I'd love to, but alas, I have to attend to the duties of Fuhrer," Roy sighed dramatically. "I have some unimportant state's dinner later tonight. Just have to show up to show that I am, in fact, the new ruler."

Jean caught a mischievous glint in Roy's eye. His stomach sunk.

"But, as it as a dinner, I can bring a date along," he smirked.

Reaching into his pocket, Roy pulled out a folded piece of paper, a handful of soil, and a few seeds. He placed it all on the table, as well as the complimentary glass of water that Jean ignored.

"Wait, is that a flower?" Jean asked.

There was a blinding flash of light at the table. Jean immediately knew Roy had used his alchemy.

From the soil, water and seeds, Roy grew a dozen red roses, all grown to perfection. With a flourish, he handed them to Mary.

"Mary, will you honor me and accompany me to the dinner?" Roy asked.

"Oh!" Mary gasped, turning beet red.

"What? You drew a transmutation circle on that piece of paper _for a bunch of flowers?_" Jean sputtered.

Giving the roses to Mary, Roy turned to Jean.

"It's all about presentation," Roy whispered.

_The son of a bitch is grinning!_

"Wait just one second, Mustang!" Jean said, keeping his voice to a whisper. "You've already got Hawkeye to take to the dinner! Leave my date alone!"

"Hawkeye is too…warn out…to attend the dinner," Roy said. "Besides, this dinner is completely unimportant, a complete waste of time for her."

"Just what do you mean, 'warn out?'"

"It means she's too tired. So, I've got to find someone else to take to the dinner with me."

"How is she cool with you finding a new woman every day?"

"She's fine with it. It's less work for her to do, and less running around for me."

_Dammit, he has a point._

"So, what do you say, my dear Mary?" Roy said, turning his attention back to Jean's date. "Will you grace me with your presence?"

"Yes!" Mary said, holding the roses tight.

"Excellent! My car is waiting just outside!" Roy said, taking Mary's hand. "Take care, Jean!"

With that, Roy led Mary out of the restaurant, in front of a stunned Jean.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!"

* * *

"You fought at the battle of the capitol?" Julian said, obviously impressed.

"Yes. I was in charge of helping to breach the capitol walls," Jean said.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were a friggin' hero? I would've bought you a drink!" She said, pounding the table.

_My luck is getting better!_ Jean thought. _Who needs Mary, anyways? Julian has it all! She loves the military, she's tough, loves to drink, and she has to have the most beautiful chest I've ever seen! What great bosoms!_

"Hero? No, I just directed intelligence and ran ammunition to the real heroes," Jean replied.

"You _ran_ ammunition to the frontlines?" Julian gasped. "In all that fighting?"

"I have dodged my fair share of bullets," Jean shrugged, taking a pull of beer.

"That deserves a drink! Bartender! Give him another beer!" Julian called. "To the little people, making everyone else look good!"

_And she knows the value of real grunt work! I'm in love!_

"Here, here!" Jean said, raising his new glass of beer.

"I'll drink to that!" Roy said, raising his own glass of beer.

"Mustang?" Jean sputtered.

"Mustang?" Julian said. "_The _Roy Mustang? The Flame Alchemist?"

"In the flesh," Roy said, sitting down next to Julian.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Jean yelled.

"I'm taking another break from the boring capitol," Roy said. "All of that bureaucratic crap is boring. No real action or glory in that."

"Bullshit! You love ordering people around!"

"How can you take being the new Fuhrer?" Julian asked. "You seem like a man of action. Sitting behind a desk has to be hell."

"It is horrendously dull," Roy admitted. "But it has to be done. Whether I'm a simple Flame Alchemist, or the newly appointed Fuhrer, I must do all that I can for my country. In peace, or in war."

"Sacrificing your own happiness for the people," Julian gasped.

"It is horrible. But, that is why I love getting out into the bars," Roy said. "I can relax and reconnect with the people I've fought for, to know them better, and turn them from meaningless numbers on a page into a pretty face."

"And you mean to say that of all the gin joints, in all the capitol, in all the world, you walk into the one where I'm trying to have a date in peace?" Jean demanded.

"Yes, completely coincidental," Roy said.

Jean ground his teeth in frustration.

"Come on, Julian, let's have the great Fuhrer have a drink in peace," he said.

"But don't you want to see a great trick first?" Roy asked.

"What kind of trick?" Julian asked.

"Cup your hands, and blow into it," Roy said. Julian cocked her head, but did as Roy asked. "Now, once you hear me snap my fingers, open your hand. Now!"

Roy snapped his fingers as Julian opened her hand. Jean could see Roy's alchemy arc through the air and ignite the mass of air that was just being held in Julian's hands. A small fireball erupted, nestled in Julian's hands for the briefest of seconds.

"Damn!" She yelled as the fireball dissipated.

"Just a simple alchemy trick," Roy said smugly. "I have to keep in practice somehow. You see, when you blew into your hand, you were amassing air in it. I'm able to ignite the air, and when there is more air, there is more of a fireball."

"That was amazing!"

"It makes for a good bar trick. Want to see more? I can show you some of the bigger tricks in my private courtyard."

"Definitely!" Julian said, jumping off the bar stool.

"See you later, Jean," Roy said, leading his date out the door.

"Oh, come the fuck on!" Jean yelled. "That's it! Fuck this shit! I'm going gay!"

* * *

"This is your first time going out with a guy?" Nick asked. "And you're in the military?"

"Yes, sounds like a bad joke, doesn't it?" Jean laughed. "I'm just coming to terms with it. If I didn't fight to re-take the capitol, my parents might've disowned me."

"I've been there…wait, you fought at the capitol?" Nick said.

"Yes. I was with the platoon charged with breaching the capitol walls," Jean said. "It was…chaos. Absolute chaos. Bullets were flying everywhere, men were shouting and I couldn't understand them…But it had to be done. For our country."

"That's terrible," Nick said, taking Jean's hand.

_Well, I guess he's kind of cute. I can learn to love this. Besides, at least he's understanding me. _

"Yes, the threat of war is never understood until one is in battle," Roy said, sitting down next to Nick.

"What?" Jean said.

"Roy Mustang! The new Fuhrer!" Nick gasped.

"That is all that I seem to be to everyone," Roy chuckled. "'The flame alchemist,' 'the Fuhrer,' they're all titles that people have heaped on me. I'm a simple man, who only loves his country."

"What are you doing here?" Jean demanded.

"Trying to get away from the burden of leadership," Roy said. "Everyone is counting on me. For guidance, for leadership, to show them the right way to live. It can be a little overwhelming sometimes. That's why I'm here, trying to get a simple meal to eat and a nice atmosphere to relax in."

"I didn't know that being Fuhrer could be so stressful," Nick said, a look of pity in his eyes.

"Oh, not you too!"

"It's like I'm not even a person anymore. I'm a magician, someone who's supposed to take a magical wand and poof! Solve everyone's problems."

Jean grabbed Roy's collar and dragged him away from Nick.

"Can't you leave me to date in fucking peace? You're not even gay!" Jean said.

"No, I'm not," Roy admitted, whispering. "I just ran out of women."

"Is there anything I can do for you, Roy?" Nick asked.

"I just want a simple conversation, without anyone calling me 'Fuhrer,' or 'Mustang.' I just want to be called 'Roy.' Just as you said it in your sweet voice," Roy said, breaking Jean's grip.

"Well, I know a small bar where we could go," Nick said.

"That would be most appreciative," Roy said, getting up from the square table. "Good-bye, Jean."

Jean's mouth fell open as Nick lead Roy out of the diner, holding hands.

"Are you ready to order, sir?" A waiter asked.

"Yea, a full bottle of whisky," Jean said.

"Right away, sir."

Jean shook his head.

"That's it. I give up."

* * *

"So…What do you do for fun?" Jean slurred.

The flower pot didn't answer.

"Yea, too busy growing shit, huh?" Jean said, breaking into his second bottle of whisky. "Well,_ I _know how you feel. You start out feeling like you're doing something important, that you're really helping the world. Then some dick fills you with Goddamn soil.

'Alright, that's cool. I can work with this.' But nooo, that asshole has to put some teeny, tiny seed in that dirt, and it grows into one little flower, and suddenly that flower is the world to her!"

Jean took a long pull from the bottle.

"And the next thing you know, they're giving that bastard flower the pampered life! Water, sunlight, even free pruning! And what happens to you? Jack shit! No one thinks about the flower pots in their lives! No, we're just the things that made everything else great! And no one falls for us! No bosomy women, no cute men, no one!"

A great cheer went up by Jean's table near the closed diner's patio. Jean looked over, nearly falling out of his chair.

"Fuhrer Mustang! Did you really sleep with a man?" A woman giggled.

"He's too manly for that!" Another said.

"No, it's beautiful!" A third said.

"I love a man who's comfortable enough with his sexuality to kiss another man!" All three cheered.

"Ladies, peace. There's enough Mustang to get around," Roy laughed. He saw Jean sitting with his pot at the closed diner. He walked over to the patio, and out of his pocket pulled a piece of paper, some soil, and a water canteen. He mixed all three in the pot, and with a flash of alchemy, filled the pot with a beautiful miniature rose bush.

"For all of the lovely women in my life!" Roy said, taking the pot and giving it to his admirers. The woman screamed and followed him into his private car.

Jean watched them as they drove away.

"Well, so much for objectophelia," he sighed.

* * *

**Jean just can't win. c(; Poor guy. Anyways, show your appreciation and I'll forward reviews to goldenEY3, thanks!**


End file.
